Johnson & Johnson suffers billions in lost sales

Stock values drop, factories to close, thousands to be laid off thanks to one lost customer

THE NOTORIOUS P.J.D. - P. “Jailbird” Diddy was the largest wholesale buyer of Johnson’s Baby Oil in the world before he was jailed. (AI generated image)

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Johnson & Johnson stocks were down 42 points at the end of trading yesterday following an unexpectedly weak quarterly earnings report released this morning.

JNJ stocks trading on the New York Stock Exchange started the day at $161.40 and fell to $118.97 at close.

The sharp drop in the company’s stock price was precipitated by a third quarter earnings report that revealed a drop in sales of 20.5% to $17.86 billion from $22.44 billion in the second quarter.

As a result, the company posted a net loss in the third quarter after posting net earnings of over $4.6 billion in the second quarter.

On the company’s quarterly earnings call, Johnson & Johnson CFO Joseph J. Wolk said the dramatic drop in earnings was the result of the company losing one of its largest buyers.

“When P. Diddy was imprisoned, we lost our single largest buyer of Johnson’s Baby Oil,” Wolk said. “And because he’s being held without parole, we have a ton of surplus product we can’t move.”

“It’s going to take some time – maybe a few years, maybe a decade – to bring sales back up to where they were in quarter two because there is no magic bullet that will help us recover from the loss of one of our best clients,” CEO Joaquin Duato said.

CEO Joaquin Duato told listeners on the call to expect factory closures and thousands of layoffs.

“P. Diddy kept a lot of people employed. With him behind bars, there’s just nowhere near the same demand for Johnson’s Baby Oil,” Duato said.

“So, we’ll have to significantly cut production of Johnson’s Baby Oil, at least until some other ridiculously wealthy sleazeball becomes a sex trafficker.”